EVANSTON — “My life is two parts — before and after.” 

These words, spoken by Evanston resident Aimee Ottley, refer to the loss of her adult son, Casey Ottley, who died by suicide in 2013 at the age of 25. Aimee’s comment is one that likely resonates with all too many Wyoming residents. 

According to Wyoming Department of Health statistics, for the past three decades, the state has consistently ranked as one of the highest in the nation for suicides. In 2016, the suicide rate in Wyoming was nearly double that of the rest of the country. The department of health reports that studies estimate “for every one suicide, there are anywhere from 6 to 32 people left as suicide survivors, which most studies agree is an underestimate.” 

The report continues, “Suicide survivors are deeply impacted by each suicide and experience a range of complex grief reactions including guilt, anger, abandonment, denial, helplessness and shock.” 

Aimee’s deeply personal and moving account of her son’s suicide, the events that took place prior to his death and her emotions afterward reflect all of those emotions and more. 

“Casey was a remarkable child,” she said

Casey, an only child, and Aimee, a single parent, were exceptionally close. Charismatic and smart, she said he was rarely in trouble and things always seemed to come easily for him. As her only child, on the rare occasions when things didn’t go well for Casey, Aimee was there to fix it. 

She said things took a turn for Casey with a football injury, after which he was prescribed opioids. Ultimately, the opioid use became a debilitating addiction. Aimee said the shame he felt because of the addiction fueled severe depression and a complete personality change.

“He was unrecognizable to me,” she said. “He didn’t sleep, he didn’t leave the house, he quit caring for himself and his surroundings.”

With their close relationship, she knew he was struggling and tried desperately to help any way she could.

“Unlike other parents I’ve spoken with who had no idea,” she said, “I knew what was going on.” 

She described a trip to an emergency room in Colorado after he expressed suicidal thoughts. She said he was put under watch in a bare room on an emergency hold. For Casey, who had always had very high expectations of himself, the experience was “extraordinarily demeaning” and only served to worsen his depression, Aimee said. 

She consulted with experts and tried to find a legal way to have him placed in a long-term treatment program, but he was an adult and she was unable to do so. She said calling authorities to report his suicidal thoughts would result in a 48-hour emergency hold, after which he would be released and the problem would continue. 

Aimee said she believes this is a big obstacle to suicide prevention. For those like Casey, involving law enforcement is demoralizing and reinforces the sense of shame they may feel. “There is a great deal of shame for people who need help. The stigma needs to go away,” she said. 

Aimee said she hopes some type of legislation is possible in the future to give parents of adult children a way to get them help if they express suicidal thoughts. She said if there had been a way for her to force Casey into a treatment program instead of the two-day hold, it might have helped. 

Aimee said there were several occasions on which Casey had expressed to her that he was suicidal, and she had been able to talk with him and get him through those feelings for a short time.

“It’s an impulsive act,” she said. “If I could talk to him fairly immediately, it would help.”

Aimee said she has heard it described that those with suicidal thoughts “lose the ability to see that this, too, shall pass. It’s like looking through a straw, and they can’t see outside of that.” 

She began to keep watch on him whenever possible, not sleeping at night for fear he would take his life while she slept. She still had to work, however, and Casey ultimately acted while she was at work, after sending her a goodbye text message that she didn’t see for about 30 minutes because she was in a meeting. 

Following his death, the grief was excruciating.

“When he passed away, all I wanted to do was die myself,” Aimee said. 

Grief is a sensation familiar to another Evanston resident, Tib Ottley, whose adult son — who also went by Tib — died by suicide in 2010.

“I’ve heard it described that those who choose suicide are not ending their pain, they’re transferring it,” Tib said, adding that it’s an accurate statement. 

Since the loss of his son, Tib and his family have been involved in efforts to promote suicide awareness and prevention. During a meeting in his office with the Herald, he looked over statistics on suicide in Wyoming that he described as “pretty alarming.”

“I don’t run into many people who haven’t been affected by suicide in one way or another,” Tib said. In Wyoming, suicide is the second-leading cause of death for people between the ages of 10-44 and the sixth-leading cause of death overall. 

Perhaps surprisingly, the age-adjusted suicide rate in the state is highest for those 75 and older, followed by those between 25 and 44 years of age. In 2015, approximately 20 percent of high school students reported seriously considering attempting suicide within the past year. According to the Wyoming Suicide Prevention Plan, “suicidal behaviors have drastically increased for male active-duty military personnel and veterans over the preceding decade,” and “unemployment has been shown to increase risk of suicide in males by up to 300 percent.” 

Aimee said she thinks there are multiple factors that influence Wyoming’s high suicide rate, including lack of opportunity and economic climate at the current time, the rural nature of the state and lack of mental health resources, and a culture that often views things as “only black and white” and a predominant narrow-minded mentality that encourages people to just “buck up.” 

The Ottleys were some of several local people involved in the Suicide Prevention and Awareness Walk that took place over Labor Day weekend, when they walked as part of the annual Cowboy Days parade. Tib said the aim was to reach as many people as possible and the hope was that the very public parade would help do that.

“We want to let people know there are resources and places to call for help,” he said. 

Tib also shared some of the emotions he has experienced since his son’s death.

“It’s taken years to get through the guilt,” he said, “thinking there was more I could have done. I don’t know if you ever get through it, truly.” 

Aimee, too, has experienced the guilt, disbelief, shock and anger.

“Even though I knew he was struggling, in all honestly, I really didn’t think he would do it,” she said. As a parent, she said she has a desire still to reprimand him for his actions. “I still can’t believe he did it.”

In retrospect, Aimee said she wishes she hadn’t stepped in to solve problems for him when he was a child.

“Our kids need resiliency training and coping skills,” she said. “It’s OK to let your kids fail so they can learn to pick themselves up.” 

Reflecting on Casey’s life, she said, “Everything had always come easy. Girls came easy, school came easy. When he began to lose those things, it was like a fall from grace. We live in a society where there is no room for error in life and there is so much judgment. He was so ashamed and refused to talk to anybody for help.” 

Aimee said she feels compelled to talk about Casey and his experience in hopes of helping others and lessening the stigma. Her message to people is to ask questions if anyone expresses suicidal thoughts, and to particularly ask if someone has a suicide plan. For young people, she said education on suicide is critical.

“It sucks we have to have this education,” she said, “but it’s a moral and human imperative. If you hear someone talk about suicide, you have to tell someone, an adult.” 

For parents, she said she wants to reiterate the need for children to learn to cope and handle setbacks and disappointments, saying emphatically, “Let them fail.” 

If someone you know exhibits warning signs of suicide, it’s important to take steps to help. Do not leave the person alone; remove any firearms, alcohol, drugs or sharp objects that could be used; take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional. If you or someone you know has suicidal thoughts, call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255).