(Editor’s Note: This is the final story in the Herald’s series on domestic violence running throughout the month of October in recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month.)

EVANSTON — “Why don’t they just leave?” Leisa Reiter, victim advocate for the Uinta County Sheriff’s Office, said this is a question she is often asked about victims of domestic violence. A common misconception is that if abuse were a problem, a partner wouldn’t stay in the relationship. 

According to Reiter, Evanston Police Department victim advocate Vanessa Weekly, and Angie Fessler, Jesse Barnes and Kelly Ivers — staff with the Uinta County Sexual Assault and Family Violence (SAFV) Task Force — there are multiple factors working to keep victims of domestic violence from “just leaving.” 

Reiter said, “Fear is probably the biggest reason.” Fessler, Barnes and Ivers agree. This fear can include fear of the abuser and worsened violence if a victim attempts to leave. Statistics show the time when a victim chooses to leave a relationship can be especially dangerous. 

Fear goes beyond violence, however, and includes fear of the unknown, fear of breaking up a family or losing custody of children, fear of not being able to support one’s self and/or children outside of the relationship, fear of not being believed, fear of public opinion and a damaged reputation and fear of having nowhere to turn. 

Often the abused person has already been isolated from friends and family for various reasons. For example, a victim may have spoken about the abuse in the past, or even left and returned to the relationship, and now feels all resources have been exhausted. Fessler said this happens frequently, with the average being nine attempts to leave an abusive relationship. 

Friends and family may have given ultimatums and cut a victim off, frustrated with the situation. Alternatively, a victim may be keeping the abuse a secret, believing it’s inappropriate to discuss the problem with anyone, and may have self-isolated. 

Additionally, the abuser may have worked to isolate the victim by controlling outside activities and limiting contact with others, which is frequently part of a pattern of abuse. 

Besides fear, leaving is often made difficult, or can seem impossible, due to a lack of funds. Abusers often prevent a victim from working outside the home or obtaining an education or job skills. An abuser may control all the household finances, so a victim quite literally has no money to use to go anywhere else or may have no way to pay for legal representation, which is especially concerning for child custody cases.  

There is also a huge psychological component to domestic violence. Abusers frequently use blame shifting and have convinced a victim it is his or her fault. Sometimes the abuser is a public figure and a victim is convinced no one will believe the abuse is occurring.

“Sometimes when people finally decide to say something,” Barnes said, “a victim goes through hell because society can’t imagine a certain person is an abuser or did such things.” 

In addition, the psychological damage resulting from a cycle of abuse can cloud a victim’s thinking patterns and inhibit rational decision making.

“People stay in this type of relationship because they have been emotionally, physically and psychologically battered,” Reiter said. “Their sense of self-worth has [been] chiseled down to nothing.”

Barnes said victims often suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts resulting from the abuse. 

Other factors that influence a victim’s decision to stay in the relationship include disability or illness that makes a person dependent on an abuser, concerns about not being able to take pets or horses, worries about leaving children with an abuser or having kids spending time alone with an abuser on weekend visitations and religious views regarding divorce. 

Many people who find themselves in abusive relationships grew up in homes with domestic violence so it’s a generational pattern and they may not even be aware it’s unhealthy or an abusive relationship. Such generational patterns can be especially powerful in influencing a victim to believe abuse is his or her fault. 

Barnes said it’s also important to recognize that often a victim really did or does love the abuser. Abusers can often by charming, especially at the beginning of relationships or during any “honeymoon periods” of the cycle of abuse, and victims can have a very difficult time ending such a relationship. 

There is also an element of social stigma surrounding domestic violence. Ivers said, “Sometimes it’s labeled as a ‘white trash’ problem, but it’s non-discriminatory. It impacts professionals, rich people, poor people and everyone in between.”

Additionally, people may not be aware that there are multiple types of abuse, including physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial and more.

“If people only think of physical or sexual abuse, they may not recognize other behaviors as abuse,” said Barnes. 

Weekly said domestic violence occurs in long- and short-term relationships. People often mistakenly believe in a short-term relationship a victim could just leave at any time and that is not the case in reality. 

Part of the social stigma is that sometimes survivors are ashamed of being in an abusive relationship.

“They shouldn’t feel ashamed, but they do,” said Fessler. This can especially be the case for men in abusive relationships. 

Additionally, Weekly said, “Victims who are professional or have college degrees are even more apt to not report domestic abuse because they state, ‘I am educated and I should know better not to allow this kind of abusive relationship,’ but yet they feel they will be the one to change the abuser.” 

Reiter, Fessler, Barnes and Ivers want people to know there are resources to help people in abusive situations. SAFV staff, Reiter and Weekly have numerous resources available to help, including with filing protection orders and developing safety plans. Staff and advocates can also accompany people to medical and/or court appointments and connect people to legal assistance. Spanish translation and interpretation are also available services. There is also an automated service victims are connected to that notifies victims when an offender is released from custody. 

There are also resources available to assist with emergency shelter, daycare, places to shelter pets and more. Fessler said SAFV offers support groups that can include financial empowerment and healthy habits and living. Community resources are also available to help with job skills and employment. 

Barnes stressed the resources are available to everyone, including men.

“Most victims of domestic violence are women, but there are male victims and we’re here to provide services to anyone,” she said, adding that all services provided are completely confidential.

Fessler said there is also an effort to change the social dialogue and to transition to using the term “domestic violence survivor” as opposed to “victim.”

“Wearing a victim label seems disempowering,” she said. 

The SAFV staff also shared some tips for friends and family of those dealing with domestic violence. Key among those is not to issue ultimatums or take a “tough love” approach and cut a person off for not leaving. That will only further isolate a survivor and could make someone feel as though there is nowhere to turn for help. Don’t blame someone for being a victim of abuse and be sure not to spread gossip about what was shared, which could put a victim in danger if word got back to an abuser. 

Above all, it’s important to remember that people can and do get out of abusive situations and there are places to turn for help.

“It does get better and people can get out,” said Fessler. “Whether it’s your first time calling us or your ninth, we’re here to help.”